Conspiracy Theories


A wise old colleague of mine once had a saying- Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.

It seems conspiracy theories are cropping up in all sorts of places; People hiding behind superinjunctions, phone-hacking, police corruption – only today I read about Keith Allen sounding off about what he believes is the silent conspiracy of the press and establishment with regards to the death of Diana Princess of Wales – our very own answer to the question who shot JFK?

My customers are always keen to create conspiracy theories; A mistake in the despatch system means they are sent the wrong item… well then it’s a con, a fraud, the police need to be informed at once… no, seriously sir it’s just a computer error… ‘but, this is the second time it’s happened its a con I tell you.’ I’d love the tell them that the real reason is  just that company X couldn’t organise a drinking session in a place that manufactures alcohol, but they wouldn’t believe me and in any case it would only spoil their fun.

You see, we all love a good conspiracy theory and fortunately for us right now the call-centre right is awash with them. Especially since our hours were cut Every going-on, every utterance  is now fed into a black-box marked conspiracy, we all take a turn to rotate a handle on the side and new theories emerge from a slot like ticker tape. Earlier this week a colleague whispered that they’d seen a lorry being loaded with goods, upon enquiring they were told the shipment was not for customers, but was part of a clear-out. Perhaps an innocent, mundane explanation exists, but could it mean something more sinister? A departing colleague also told a group of us that we should all be on the lookout for new jobs by the end of the three months we were told the reduced hours would be in force adding momentum to the theory that the cut in our hours is being used to lower the redundancy bill the firm will face when it’s retiring owner closes it down.

It’s hard not to get caught up in all of this. My pet theory, as I’ve mentioned before, is that the cut in hours is to make a potential take-over easier, but now it’s all going much further, much deeper…. I feel the conspiracy is becoming more personal. Just take the issue over the statistics; I have the last week been pretty meticulous about logging something for every call, sometimes even double counting to be on the safe side, yet I get a memo telling me that I’ve shown “very little improvement” (doubtful as I never bothered logging calls before last week) and am not hitting the 75% target. Of course there are issues with the measurement which I’ll be querying in my meeting with our manager tomorrow, but finding out who else received this memo, well it’s hardly a list of our managers BFF’s….

I’m starting to wonder if they are out to get me


2 thoughts on “Conspiracy Theories

  1. Still reading all your posts, but I don’t always have anything to say, except: bah! Hope you will be able to get a job in this other place, it sounds much happier.

    I like your paranoid saying!

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